Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
it's great music for shaving your balls
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
