I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
