if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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