seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
MIDGETS
????
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize
