I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
