i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
