How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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