he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I fill condoms, not promises.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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