the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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