I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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