I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
