Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
