I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize