She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
