the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
