I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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