Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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