i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i wish my penis had a tongue
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
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