do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
