there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
