420 ftw
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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