I cannot find my penis.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
