There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
