New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I think pants incapable of making pants work
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize