nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Randomize
