you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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