it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
