Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
