I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
