I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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