you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
