just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
