Pappa wants mamma naked
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
