Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I'm always down for nudity.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
