just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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