just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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