apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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