I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
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