i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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