Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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