I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Randomize
