im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
