so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
