i'm signing you up for texting rehab
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
