community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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