I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
