I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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