I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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