That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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