I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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