Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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