Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I deserve to be covered in dicks
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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