I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
