I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
