She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
It's never too late to be topless.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
So much Jack, so little girl.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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