We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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