I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
