U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
