peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
