My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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