My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
