No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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