Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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