There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
