well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Randomize
