i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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