If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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