I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
