i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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