You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
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