was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
