Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
