sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
We are all done wearing pants today
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
