I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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