I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
