when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize